Just Write, Damn It!

Currently, I'm on this tab for the second time. I closed it, ran away and planned on doing some serious procrastination. I mean I could always write later on or even tomorrow. Perhaps there's a secret modern day muse out there, a step up from her ancient sisters, who would plant the whole post in my head overnight. I mean, writing shouldn't actually be work should it? 

It is, but it shouldn't be a gruesome task for me. Crafting a piece - rearranging word order, deleting sentences or even paragraphs, staring at quickly jotted notes that need to turn into actual sentences - takes more effort than reading. That's always been my convenient excuse for only writing sporadically.  But that isn't why I don't write as often as I should. 

 Really, there is no should. No one forced me to make this blog. I'm 18, a legal adult, I can do what I want. Cue dramatic slamming of doors, random napping and reminders that people in their early twenties aren't actually a whole generation apart from me. 

I don't know how common this is, it definitely sounds strange, but I have to force myself to admit that I enjoy writing. That's because that enjoyment is overshadowed by something that definitely is common - insecurity. Standard over thinking and measly repetitive thoughts stop me from even opening a word document. My writing isn't good enough, someone else could and is doing it better, I'm not ready yet. 

 If I just wait a few years, I will magically accumulate the ability to write spectacular prose. In seconds I will be able to whip up a post that conjures up feelings like the ones I get when I read a great piece. If I just wish hard enough I will get the same gift that all the people I read regularly and admire have.

At least that's what I delude myself. But, I'm having increasingly frequent moments, I created this blog in one of them, where I realise that I have to practise. Perfectionism leaves me with nothing but missed opportunities and disappointment. It's okay, even completely normal, for me to work and create writing that's bad. It's okay and not absurd for me to trust that I will get better and it doesn't matter if I'm not outstanding, because I enjoy it, damn it!

I'm hoping that having a public blog will force me into writing at least a few cohesive paragraphs each week. Currently, I'm aiming to put up a post every Friday, because I do have the time for it if I want it badly enough. And here I am, I didn't run away, some part of me admitting that I do want it badly enough.

- Ayomide